Quit Smoking TJ

Sorry it is:

2009-04-17T05:07:00.001-07:00

http://wwwlifeisfuncom.blogspot.com/

The End

2009-04-16T12:13:00.001-07:00

I am following my friend Kristen's lead and ending my blog. It doesn't even really deal with not smoking anymore. It's just a bunch of incoherent, unrelated topics that I type every morning. Due to the title, I felt like it should still deal with smoking, but I think I have said all I can on thje subject matter.

So I am starting a new blog as well;

www.lifeisfun.blogspot.com

Ciao

Mirroring Back a Healthy Self Image

2009-04-16T04:24:00.000-07:00

In a world where people make judgements about everything from what we wear, to what we watch, and even how we eat, do we ever view ourselves correctly? I often wonder this very thing about myself. I often try to stand back from my own miscoceptions about how I think i am viewed and wonder if i have an accurate read on how other's really view me. Can we ever see ourselves?

This is a hard concept. I have friends with spectacular self images of themselves, they sometimes have so much bravado and self confidence, I think....wow you amaze me. I have friends that belittle themselves, and focus on the few negatives they have and never see what other wonderful attributes they possess.

I often come back to my own self image. Am I on target? I don't think I will ever know. How do we know if what we put out there, really reflects who we are or more on point, who we think we are. Yesterday I was in the gym and I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror. I see an aging gay man, secretly dreading the effects of ageing, and wondering how bad do I look to others? Do they see my flaws as enhanced as I do, or am I camouflaging my deficits enough to get by? I wonder if we ever know?

The F'ing Birds

2009-04-15T04:48:00.001-07:00

Marcello's cousin Jose and his partner went to Brazil and asked us if we would bird-sit. Marcello said yes right away, I knew this meant I would be bird-sitting and not Marcello as they live well over an hour from us and I am the one not working. So I have been going every two days to clean up their bird poop, change the water, put in new bird seed, and tie other bird seed to their cage. One bird in particular has been a challenge as he keeps escaping and then I have to chase him all over the house.

Sunday when we left the Cape we stopped by together to care and feed them. When we left they all seemed happy. For some reason I forgot to go yesterday so last night at 7 I got in my car and headed over. Luckily their parents are coming home today. As soon as I walked in the house I felt like something was awry. I walked upsatirs to the freakish row of bird cages (a wisteria lane of feathers if you will), and noticed one bird was sitting on top of the cage. A quick head count later and I realized several had gotten out. How they did this I still don't know. Birds kind of freak me out. They are not cute. They are not cuddely. And they do not listen to you. Here I am, a big mary, running through the house with my index finger sticking out, hoping they willl just land on my had as they divebombed my head. After many many profanities, several lost feathers, and many beak marks later on my hand, all these feathered convicts were locked up. I wanted a cigarette when all was said and done. I threatened to smoke the birds if they mis-behaved again. I told Marcello, we are NEVER bird-sitting again.

Sleep Deprivation

2009-04-14T04:24:00.000-07:00

I need sleep. I have always been a person who functioned with a good night sleep. I remember when I was little all my friends were talking about their curfew and when they had to be in bed. I went home and asked my mother if I had a curfew. She said no honey you always go to bed on your own. Point made!!

Last night Marcello was snoring so loud I fantasized about killing him. I actually set the alarm 10 minutes early just to get him out of bed. In essence, I have had hardly any sleep. I think I nodded of in ten miunute increments and I am pretty sure i never hit REM sleep. When I don't sleep i am a bitch on wheels. You've been warned!!

Away for the Weekend

2009-04-13T04:58:00.001-07:00

This weekend we went down the Cape for Chris's birthday. On Saturday night we went to a bar called the A-House. The place was packed and it was super hot in there. I ventured outside for some fresh air and found that I was in the "smoking" area. I was tempted for all of ten seconds till the smell hit my nose. Also, I found the air wasn't very fresh out there. It was pouring and I was under a roof, but I just didn't enjoy being near all of these smokers. As much as i wanted to cool off, I didn't want to sit and smell the smoke. I made my way back in the bar. I think there was a part of me that looked at the smoker's area earlier in the night like I was missing something being out there. Now I know I wasn't. Mission accomplished!!

Misunderstood

2009-04-10T04:36:00.000-07:00

Poor Norman Bates. I think this chap may have been understood. Perhaps he was asked to take his mother shopping for living room furniture for a day. Perhaps his mother was tipping the scales of insanity and he felt he was doing the right thing. Perhaps, he just snapped while standing in the middle of Jordan's Furniture. We may never know exactly what Norman's motivation was, BUT, I think we should all stop judging him.

Sick and Tired of...

2009-04-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

Enough said!!

Self Inflicted Pain

2009-04-08T04:52:00.000-07:00

Today's blog deals with self inflicted pain. No, I am not talking about a hangover or forcing myself to watch a Lindsey Lohan/Dina Lohan interview, not even the kind of pain that comes from a strenuous workout. I am talking about real pain. As you may have recalled, when I arrived home from San Diego, I had a sunburn. This is not unusual for me. I have irish skin and an italian mentality. Meaning the italian side of me thinks I can lay in the sun but the irish sisde usually proves him wrong. The day after I arrived home, my face peeled and I took off a good layer of skin on my forehead. (Note to readers: Do not use Neutrogena Clear Pore Oil eliminating astringent on raw skin, it causes you to cry). But I digress. Yesterday my legs began peeling. Now my sunburn on my legs was in an odd pattern and focused mostly on my left knee and right shin. Last night my shin became itchy and I continued to scratch it. Throw in a jaggedy fingernail I had from a looooooong wait in line at the post office and you have a recipe for disaster. Apparently, I scratched myself all the way through my shin. I have drawn blood. I woke up this morning and wondered why someone would break into my house and take a knife and run it up and down my shin...then I remembered "scratch fest 2009". I felt like a sailor with crabs after a long shore leave. (Jen I think you know what I mean here).

I am now hobbling around my house, and am contemplating a skin graft. Have a peelicious day!

Intervention

2009-04-07T04:30:00.000-07:00

Intervention is a show on A&E, that deals with addiction on a variety of levels, the obvious intervention that follows, and an update on what happened to the people highlighted on the show. I find the subject matter very intrigueing. They have shown people addicted from everything from heroin to shopping. However, last night while watching an episode that focused on a Heroin/Xanax addict, I noticed how almost all addicts smoke. I wonder why they have never done an episode on an addiction to tobacco. They do it on alcohol, so why not this product. I think I would have been a great person to focus on. Someone who's own health had deteriorated, yet, someone who could not break their addiction to nicotine. I also notice that almost all of the subjects still smoke cigarettes after getting away from their bad habits.

For me, Chantix was the key to my finally freeing myself from a lifetime of addiction and even greater health problems. I hope the same reslut goes to those people highlighted on these shows.

Relaxed

2009-04-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

To me this picture is the definition of relaxed. It is a picture of Marcello and Nina on a lazy Sunday morning this Winter. I am envious of this, as I have not felt relaxed in a very long time. Since February 5th I have been unable to relax. I am in flux. In the poast when I was uptight I would smoke. Well, heck I would smoke all the time, but it did help me relax. Now I can't do that anymore. I wake up ay 5 am every day and I have no where to go. It is rather sad.

I long to be relaxed, but am fearful I may not know that feeling again until I have a definite game plan and career direction to follow. Until then, I guess I will be the early morning riser whether I like it or not.

Hmmm this weather is not cooperating

2009-04-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

It is grey and overcast today. After my brief flirtation with the nice weather in San Diego, I am ready for Spring. I am actually looking forward to doing yard work. Last year Marcello planted tulips all over are yard and they are starting to emerge from their Winter slumber. I am very excited as I see their little green necks poking out of the ground. For me it is am affirmation that this awful Winter is coming to an end, and perhaps symbolic of a new and hopefully succesful detour in my career. A rebirth of sorts.

I worked out hard today and am now getting ready to do some house work. Last night Danny and I grabbed dinner at a restuarant called bacci's. It was delicious. It was pouring when we went. As we left, I saw that someone who worked in the kitchen had taken their pack of Marloboros and lighter and tucked them up in a windowsill free from contact with the rain. I had a brief thought about what it would be like to smoke again. I wonder if this will be a life long habit or if I will eventually just forget about that part of my life.

Have a smoke free day and hold on Spring is coming!!!

A Return to Normalcy

2009-04-03T06:39:00.000-07:00

When we went away we obviously dines out a lot. Personally my big treat was breakfast. I rarely go out for breakfast and at home, I might get a slice of toast. Here I had coffee, chocolate milk, french toast, bacon, and a very high priced pulp filled orange juice. However, when you travel with people who are cognizant about caloric intake and how much they eat, it sinks in. The rest of my meals were no different than I would have at home, with the exception of a cup of coffee. I was very pleased that when I hit the gym yesterday i was down a half a pound. I may require Kristen to come on all my trips with me...lol.

I had a loooooooooong night sleep. I was pooped and think my body is rebounding from the lack of sleep and jet lag. I think I may even fit in a bri9sk walk oif the weather cooperates.

Exhausted

2009-04-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

I just flew in from San Diego and boy are my arms tired....lol. Truthfully I am exhausted. I never slept well when we were in California. I think it was part time change, partly because the bed was ubersoft (not good for my back), and we had a train with a very loud whistle that roared by our hotel at 3:30 am an blew it's horn around 20 times. Then yesterday, I had to check out of my hotel at 2 pm and kill time until my flght left at 10:30pm. I mostly stayed outside, I am the same color as a red pepper...lol. Finally I was hoping I could sleep on the plane. I did get some sleep but we had an unruly passenger (he was arrested by the sate police when we landed), but naturally he was interferring with my sleep. I was hoping they would just throw him off the plane mid-flight. I can be a tad bitchy when i am tired...lol. I came home and collapsed for a few hours, went to the gym, and am now returning e-mails and phone calls.

I am glad we wnt as the trip was a success. Our talk went very well. We did not have a great time slot, but had more people than the sessions before us. We had between 40-50 attendees. After our talk, several people came up and said they woul dlike to work with us on several projects. Here$ Hoping!!! I am very glad to be back home.

Hiatus

2009-03-30T08:34:00.001-07:00

I have decided not to bring my computer with me to California. I already have 2 carry on's and that is enough. So no blog until I return on Thursday. You can however, access older blogs if you need a fix and enjoy the fun and merriment of our handsome hero as he goes from addled lunged smoker to fashion sensation.

Ciao

6 hours & 28 minutes

2009-03-30T03:43:00.000-07:00

Today Kristen, Darcy, and I leave for California. As a smoker, the thought of being trapped on a plane for 6.5 hours without a cigarette, would instill a panic in me. I would have been puffing right up until the airport doors and would have made a run for it, as soon as we landed so I could have had one. I also would have had to buy a nicotine patch just to get me through the longevity of the trip.

Well that is one hurdle I no longer have to contend with. I am no longer a smoker who worries about getting his fix, I am now a non-smoker who can obsess about delivering my speech. I guess I am not happy unless i have something to panic about.

Have a great day!!

Oh What a Trip

2009-03-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

This year my friend Kristen & I both embarked on journeys of health. I have mentioned this before, but if you have not yet done so, check out her blog at www.phatband.blogspot.com. Kristen has lost a mind blowing 160+ pounds of weight. I quit smoking. Although both these journeys are different, the end result is that we were/are moving toward a healthier part of our lives. So here is the kicker. As soon as I quit smoking, my breathing became much worse. So bad in fact, I needed to be referred to a lung specialist and underwent a battery of tests and a varied menu of different medications. My friend Kristen has also had her fair share of illness along this past year as well. She has just been diagnosed with pneumonia....a road she has sadly traveled down before. Months ago, when I was facing yet another breathing issue (I think it was like my tenth ER visit), I mentioned the irony of the situation to her and how we have both made great strides to improve our health, only to be riddled with various health problems. Kristen, who always sees the glass half full, mentioned to me that it was geat we changed our habits or we would probably be sicker. I was thinking at that time, maybe i should take up smoking again, as i had never felt worse trying to get away from it's grasp. Of course, Kristen was right. I would have been sicker. She would have had other issues to contend with as well. Now with some distance, and a steady dose of Advair, my health has improved. I now send out happy thoughts to her for a speedy recovery!!

Fast Walking

2009-03-27T04:42:00.001-07:00

This Monday Kristen & I leave for San Diego to give our speech. With the date looming, I am getting a little anxious about this. I practiced my speech for several hours yesterday. To make matters even worse, poor Kristen has been sick and we have only been able to practice once this week. There is a lot riding on this speech, and we are hoping to get some clients after delivering the recruitment version of "The Gettysburg Address". With myself getting anxious, and practicing to the point that my throat hurt yesterday, I knew I needed to take a break.Enter Marcello & Olive.

Olive is my niece Jacqueline's dog. We love puppies and sometimes take Olive for a drive. Yesterday while practicing my speech, Olive came running into my home office. Marcello told me he wanted o take her for a walk around the lake near our house. I thought this was a great idea, and decided to join them. As a matter of fact, the only ones who did not like this idea, were Pete and Nina who were cowering in seperate corners of the house waiting for Olive to make her departure. Now I am not 100% sure what kind f dog olive is, except little. I don't think her legs could be more than 1.5 inches, but she is a ball of energy. As we started our brisk walk, I noticed I was a little winded. This always surprises me. Sometimes I forget how much damage I have done to my lungs. All of a sudden, Marello & Olive decided to sprint down a path. I knew I could not keep up, so I waddled down the path at my old man speed. I got a little sad. Where was Chantix 10 years ago, when it could have possibly saved me from really damaging my lungs. How sad that a tiny dog, with tiny lungs, seems to have a better capacity for breathing than her 5' 10" counterpart. Eventually Olive got a little winded and we turned around. Next time we will bring some water and a bowl to give both Olive and myself a little rest. I plan on walking this lake a lot during the Summer, I better get used to it.

25 Reasons to be Thankful

2009-03-26T05:10:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my friend Alison blogged about her brother Fred who sends out daily affirmations, and yesterdays focused on 25 reasons for being thankful. Then Kristen followed suit by listing her 25 reasons for being thankul. Not one to be outdone (and always in need of a good blog topic), I have decided to follow suit. They are in no order of importance.

1. Family and their love & support
2. Marcello and his ability to calm me down and let me often see my own craziness. The life we share.
3. Peanut M&M's
4. My health, I am thankful for this each and every day.
5. "Make me a SuperModel" Bravos, Wednesdays at 10 pm
6. Ricky Martin, Mark Consuelos, & Mario Lopez (like he isn't on every list)
7. Nina & Pete (and of course the late Begger)
8. Friends and their ability to deliver laughter on a daily basis)
9. Love
10. Chantix
11. A nice hot shower
12. The ability to laugh at myself
13. My nieces & nephews and our close bond
14. My house
15. Happiness in my life
16. My people magazine
17. Super Paradise Beach, Mykinos, Greece & Canoa Cabrada, Brazil
18. The ability to conquer my fears (like public speaking)
19. P.F. Changs
20. Summer
21. Being blonde (or the ability to remain so through chemical enhancement)
22. Massages
23. HGTV
24. Music
25. The perfect cup of coffee

Harry Hotter

2009-03-25T04:17:00.001-07:00

People have always told me I should write a book. To me, it always seemed like a daunting task, that could result in a lot of work for nothing. However, 2 things have changed my mind.

The first is my friend Kristen. Who seems to have taken her adult ADD, and morphed it into an ability to keep many balls in the air (Now a gay man certainly should beable to beat a lesbian at keeping balls in the air ). Additionally, Kristen is brimming with a self confidence I do not possess, but see the attributes she exhibit and how successful that makes her. She has that attitude, that she can do it not that she can't. I say Bravo and give me some of that recipe for success.

The other person was an outplacement counselor I spoke with yesterday. She remarked how well spoken I am and went on to explain what I need to do to become a published author. It doesn't sound as had as I thought, so I am giving it a chance. Hell I certainly have the time, why not capitilize on it. Did you know JK Rowling wrote he first Harry Potter book when she was laid off?

So look out dusty library shelvs with books few people read...here I come!!

I am a Non-Smoker

2009-03-24T03:59:00.001-07:00

I am a non-smoker. Not a smoker who recently quit, but a non-smoker. This realization hit me the other day. I have been uttering this statement several times. Ok once to my doctyor and once to his nurse, but still I have been uttering this phrase. I am a NON-SMOKER.

Come next month I will be free for 8 months from cigarettes. There was a time I couldn't imagine going 8 days. First, there was the trepidition I might start again. Then there was the thought I might make it, now I am uttering the phrase I am a non-smoker.

I am now visualizing my saying, I have six pack ABS.

The Angry World

2009-03-23T04:37:00.000-07:00

On Friday one of my loyal readers and I talked about how angry people seem. I agree. We live in a very angry world. I was telling her a story about my trip to the post office and how rude this man was being to the postal clerk. I looked up and down the line of people, waiting to see if anyone else besides me was horrified by the man's attitude. Unfortunately, I think that many people there were like I usually am, in my own World, doing my own thing. Now cognizant of how angry people were, I sat back and took witness of it over the weekend. Whether it was customers in a store, patrons in a restaurant, or parents grocery shopping. We are some angry dudes and dudettes. I worry for us all.

Sure, life is stressful. Economy sucks, I have no job and I am not alone. Houses can't sell, taxes go up, tolls increase, AIG gets bailouts, etc. We sure do have enough reasons to be mad. However, I am fighting back any primal desire I have for anger, and using the power of positivity (I may have caught some of this from you Kristen), and trying to face each day with a mix of optimism and good thoughts.

Have a happy day!!

The Good Samaritan

2009-03-20T04:52:00.001-07:00

Wednesday I saw a story on the news about a man who was shopping at a strip mall in Methuen. He purchased a wiper blade and after he got in his car, he decided he should put the wiper blade on his car now, or it would probably stay in the bag for weeks. When he got out of his car, he dropped $400 on the ground. It wasn't until he got home that he realized what had happened. Naturally to make the story tug at your heart strings more, his wife and brother (not sure how relevant the brother part is), were just laid off. Enter Good Samaritan girl. She was in the parking lot and found the $400 Now if it were me, and the money as just lying there with no idenifying papers, I probably would have convinced myself that God wanted me to find this money. Instead the young woman said she thought this could be somebody's rent or car payment. So she went in every store in the strip mall, asked if anyone came in saying they lost money. She finally hit pay dirt at Panera Bread. They gave her the man's contact information and she called and gave him back his money. Her reward, he gave her a $50 gift certificate to Panera Bread. That is a lot of lowfat chicken noodle soup.

The story inspired me, and I wondered, would I do the right thing. Sometimes we need to be reminded about being on e straight and narrow. Yesterday, I got my chance. I was in my car at the bank and saw a young girl about 19 drop a paper on the ground. I ran over to the paper, picked it up, and called out to the young lady. I ran up and said, you dropped this, and she said, Oh thanks Woodsie Owl, I already have a mother to yell at me about littering. WTF?? Next time, I might just let that paper lie on the ground, and I still wonder would I pocket the $400.

Have a soke free day!!

Not Strep, but I know his brother

2009-03-19T05:39:00.000-07:00

Well I went to he doctor yesterday. He told me I dodn't have strep, but have something that is closely realted. It begins with an M but that is all I can remember. So I am on a heavy dose of antibiotics and hoping I will feel better by the end of the day.

I often think about how much worse I would have been feeling had I still been smoking. I am glad that is one less thing I need to contend with.

Have a smoke free and healthy day!

Sick

2009-03-18T05:03:00.000-07:00

I am not feeling very well today. I could tell yesterday I was getting sick. I stopped byworkout 20 minutes early yesterday because I wasn't feeling right. At midnight I woke myself up snoring because I couldn't breathe. At 12:30, Marcello moved in the guest room. A 5 am he attempted to come back. At 5:05 he was gone again.

I woke up this morning and my throat feels like it is on fire. I might try and get an appointment with my PCP today to see if he can give me something to help me. I am just not feeling like myself.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T04:56:00.001-07:00

I have been unemployedd "officially" for one month and four days. My last day was really February 5th, but officially the 13th was my last day. I am bored. Make that super bored. Yesterday, I never left my house. My reasonong is that whenever I leave the house i spend money and I am trying not to do that, hence the self imposed prison sentence.

I keep wondering how much longer I will be unemployed. I hope not too much. There is something very demoralizing about having no place to go. My friends all head off to work and i am left here desperately looking for a job....any job.....that might capitilize on my skill set, pay me a salary I can get by on, and give me a sense of purpose.

I am still not smoking, but it has been on my mind lately. I think that is just a by product of not being busy. I have no desire to return there, and am trying to focus on my overall health.

Have a good smoke free, fully employed day.

Old Friends and Older Enemies

2009-03-16T05:11:00.001-07:00

Saturday night we had some friends over before heading out to celebrate Marcello's birthday. There were some people we had not seen in a long time.

One of them brought me a pack of Marlboro Lights. When I heard this person had been invited, I felt in the back of my mind I might be getting cigarettes as a gift. When she handed me the pack of cigarettes, Iannounced that I had quit smoking 7 months ago. They told me they were happy for me.

Later in the night I saw them smoking outside and they waved for me to come join them on the deck. I waved back but blew them off and did not join them outside. I know myself and can't always be in a compromising position. The rest of the night I was otherwi occupied and didn't really give smoking any more thought. However at the end of the night when we were riding home, I did have a craving for one. I mentioned this to Marcello as we drove through the darkended night. Lik ll craqvings this one disapeared and I remained a non-smoker. Another hurdle jumped!!

One of those people I hate

2009-03-13T04:15:00.000-07:00

Yesteday I as walking out of a store and walked smack dab ito the middle of a group of smokers. They were all talking and laughing, and I was hit by a wall of smoke and found the smell to be offensive. I think I even made a face that let this group know the smell was not pleasant.

Me!! I did this. For 30 years I was one of these smokers and now 7 months later I have the audacity to make a face at some people from smoking. Who the hell do I think I am. I hate people who have found the light and now feel everyone should do what they do. The people who give up their dirty habit and then vilify others who still do it. To me, these people are obnoxious.

As I walked past the group and was heading to my car I thought, "Hmmm Mary, when did you get to be so superior". I realized I had my blog topic by the time I got to my car.

Have a great weekend!!

Skinny Fat People

2009-03-12T04:07:00.000-07:00

There are skinny people. There are fat people. Then there are skinny fat people. Skinny fat people are people who are basically skinny, but have a fat area to deal with. I have become a skinny fat person. Overall, I am not heavy. But my once flat stomach, is now a flab stomach. It is very annoying. I think as people we are predestined to be harder on ourselves. Self image is often very different from the way other's view us. I have always been one of my worst critics. I also think I am a realist. I am not a model, never would be, but at 44 I would till like to be in shape. I work at it every day, but my diet and a lifetime of bad eating habits works against me. In my youth, I could eat a family sized bag of doritos with no consequences. That no longer holds true, so why am I still strapping on a feed bag of Doritos??

Something's just not right

2009-03-11T04:05:00.000-07:00

Something is not right. How can I not be losing any weight? I don't think I am eating anymore

than I normally do. Yet everyday like clockwork I run to the scale agt the gym and weight has not fluctuated. This has me perplexed. As I do my daily march to nowhere on the tread mill I wonder why I am doing it at all. How can I consistently exccercise and have nothing to show for it. Bathing suit season is a mere 2.5 months away, I need to step it up.

Crash diet here I come.

Nightmare on North Street

2009-03-10T05:42:00.001-07:00

Last night I had a few cigarettes. I am not sure what made me want to smoke. Now before I get the phone calls and e-mails riddled with disappointment & judgement, you should know that this smoking was only in a dream. However, it felt real. So real that I was having trouble breathing when I woke up and had to make a dash for my rescue inhaler. I really feel like I had a few cigarettes. Even in my dream I was guilty about it, yet, I kept doing it. Seven months ago this would have been my reality.

I woke up wondering why I would dream about smoking. It has been on my mind a lot lately, and i am unsure why that is. If I think about smoking in a rational frame of mind, I am glad I quit. I also know that for my own health I cannot smoke. So why would I dream about smoking. I did dream I owned a bar in the dream, so at least I had a job. My chest tsill also feels like I smoke. Do you think there is a Freddy Krueger for smokers?

Breaking Point

2009-03-09T05:33:00.000-07:00

I need Winter to end. I need the hope that Spring brings with it. I need the ability to go for a walk when I am bored and work in the yard. I need to hear the birds singing, and see the baby ducks crossing the street, and feel the sun on my face.

I need Winter to go away. I am at the breaking point. If we get one more snow storm, I may snap.

Hellphones

2009-03-05T04:48:00.001-08:00

I speak on the phone alot. I always have.I have often reasoned this is why I became a recruiter. It was one of those jobs where people pay you to talk on the phone. Sometimes I even get recruiter ear where my ear hurts so much from talking on the phone, that I won't pick it up at night. With that said, I have never had crazy illusions that I was so important I needed a cell phone. I think most people don't really need a cellphone, and I find them to be annoying.

However, now that I am unemployed, people ask for my cell phone number and when I report I don't have one, they look at me like I am Amish. Well I broke down and got a pay as you go phone the other day. This is more for work than anything else. I have only made one call on the phone in the last two days. Last night I plugged the phone in to charge it, walked to the kitchen, hit the bathroom, and when I walked back in my room it said charge completed. Too Funny.

The Angry Gay

2009-03-05T04:48:00.000-08:00

In 1976 my friend Billy & I were in Medford Square when we came across a $20 dollar bill lying in the street. We saw it at the exact same time and both ran for it. I got it. When I picked the bill up I noticed it was an advertisement for a bank on the other side, other than the advertisement, it looked just like a real $20 dollar bill. We began placing the bill on the sidewalk and asking people as they went by if they dropped it and then squeeled with delight when they found they had been had. An old man about 60 came by and when we laughed he came over and said, "Oh your just trying to have fun, would you like this one dollar bill?". I didn't say a word but my friend said I will take it and the man turned around and punched him in the face. I remember thinking, what an angry man.

I may now be that old man. I am angry alot. I am angry that we let a fool run our country into the ground. I am angry I was very good at my job, and yet I still lost it. I am angry that there are so few jobs to apply to. I am angry my Mother is out of money and will be moving in with us. I am angry that I work out every day and continue to gain weight. I am angry that comcast has the worst customer service possibel and tehy are still employed.

I am one angry dude. I try to be positive every day, but that angry 60 year old man still surfaces. My friend Jennifer and I call him: The angry gay. He comes out whether I want him to or not. I would like to see less of him and more of the happy gay.....I think I just need some more reasons to be happy.

Primal Urges

2009-03-04T04:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was going about my day, when all of a sudden I had a strong craving to have a cigarette. At the exact same time a woman was walking by me smoking a cigarette. For one brief moment I toyed with the idea of bumming a cigarette from her and lighting up.

On Monday I celebrated my 7 month anniversary from not smoking. How weird that after all this time, I would still get he urge to smoke.

Yes it was fleeting. Yes it was silly. Even I know that if I did bum a cigarette the first few taste like crap. I just find it weird that I have these involuntary spasms of longing for product that I am thankful to be free from.

Maybe it is the stress of not working. Maybe the bad news about my friend. Maybe it is the trepidation I feel about my Mom (smoky smokerson) moving in with us. Let's just hope I stay on my present course. 8 months here I come!

Very Sad News

2009-03-03T04:35:00.001-08:00

I had heard a story recently about a friend of mine who had been diagnosed, then misdiagnosed, then rediagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. This is tantamount to a death sentence. Yes this woman smoked and she is married with children. I do not envy the fight she has ahead of her. When cancer hits Stage 4, it is usually on a matter of time before the disease wins.

Naturally when I hear these stories, I think about myself. Sure I may have given up that nasty habit, but I am not a fool who now thinks I have escaped this kind of battle for myself. I know I could wake up any day with the same prognosis.

Let's just hope I have a job and insurance if so. Sorry for the depressing news, but I can't seem to get this woman out of my thoughts.

Have a smoke free day.

Stir LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-02T05:12:00.000-08:00

I have recently become a big fan of stir fry. I found a recipe I like and find it to be very easy to make. If you cut up the ingredients before hand, it is super easy to prepare. This is one of those meals that is both healthy and tastes good. My stir fry has garlic, celery,red & green peppers, chicken and a sauce all served over a bed of pasta. Sometimes I serve it over a bed of rice, but I honestly prefer the pasta.

Saturday night we had people over for dinner. Marcello announced that he was already sick of it. He can be a tad dramatic. We have had it four times in 2.5 weeks and sometimes it was beef stir fry and sometimes chicken.

So with my healthy eating and dieting, you can imagine the pounds are just falling of me. I ran to the scale at the gym yesterday and saw I am now back to where I was before all of this. I have essentially lost no weight. Sir fry more like stir lie!!

The Hybrid

2009-02-26T04:46:00.001-08:00

Yesterday at the gym I made a new friend. Her name was Penelope and she was an older woman, very out of shape. She told me she was hoping to lose some weight. Two minutes later she told me she was in a hurry because she wanted to drive to Revere Beach for some Onion Rings and Fries as she loved them. Um Penelope.....that's not going to help you lose weight!!

I am hardly one to judge Penelope. I do go to the gym almost everyday, however, I also eat crap almost every day. I can't help it. A life without coke, peanut M&M's, and potato chips, seems like a life that might be filled with sick deprivation. Yesterday I was sweating my butt off and as always I marched to the scale to see the number has not budged. I am a hybrid of bad eating habits and good excercising ones. I really need to step up the healthier eating to hit my goals.

Congestion

2009-02-26T04:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I woke up with a bad cold. I sneezed for 11 hours and straight and went through three boxes of tissues. My nose was even running on the stairmaster. In case you can't envision that, it is not a pretty sight.

My nose is raw from constantly blowing it. I put some astringent on my face last night and it stung really bad. The hat in this photo would have been quite helpful.

I was suppossed to take my friend Jen to get her car then we were going to meet Chris for dinner. I only took Jen to get her car, I didn't feel very well, and felt it might be unappetizing for anyone to dine with me.I was looking forward to trying hooters...perhaps anoyther time.

Have a Great Day

2009-02-25T04:56:00.000-08:00

I am sure we all hear the phrase have a great day....everyday. That doesn't often happen. However, yesterday i had a great day. I had a good nights sleep, I was excited to work in my new office set up ("work" really a figure of speech here people), got some calls regarding jobs I applied for, heard some good news associated with something Kristen & I were working on, had a dentist appointment and got squeeky clean teeth and my dentist told me he could tell i quit smoking and things look great. Had a good work out, the kind that leaves you sore but invigorated, had a delicious dinner, won a backrub, got my state income tax check back, and saw several episodes of house hunters. I am living the dream people!!

Have a GREAT Day.

A new perspective

2009-02-24T04:34:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I needed to do some writing (creative if you will), and I suddenly felt so uninspired. I decided to re-arrange my office so my desk is now positioned in front of the window. My view may not be as rocking as the one in this picture, but it is much better than a blank wall.

I have been toying with the idea of doing this for a while and can't believe I have put it off for so long. I have a new energized feel and I want to work in here. Let's hope thge work follows...

Have a snoke free, low calorie, busy working day all.

Flat tireS

2009-02-23T04:54:00.001-08:00

So Friday I wake up and notice my tire looks like it has a tumor. I know this is not going to be good news. So I brting my car to the tire place and the guy says, I am not trying to get you to buy product, BUT yes that tire is aboiut to burst, but your other tire looks like it will blow any minute. WTF. Great unemployed people love spending money on stuff like this. So I bought two shiny new tires for the front of my car.

Let's hope this week looks fiscally better.

Grooming

2009-02-20T05:01:00.000-08:00

Today I am getting my haircut. I need it bad. Just like the cute puppy in this picture, I get my hair cut every 4 weeks. I need to look good in the rare occasion I should score an interview. Also, when you look better you feel better about yourself.

You would think with the grooming and the extra working out I would be at the very least a demi-God by now. Nope still the same ols shlumpy tj here.

After the haircut comes the painful eyebrow ear trimming. If only I could trim off 12 pounds...lol.

Has anyone seen my topic??

2009-02-19T04:34:00.000-08:00

Some days sitting down to write my blog is down right easy. I have a general idea of what I will discuss, find a cute picture and blog away. Then there are days like today. I just can't think of anything particularly insightful of witty to discuss.

Still not smoking...check. Still excercising...check. Still fake dieting...check. Still unemployed...check.

I think you may all be up to speed.

BORED

2009-02-18T04:52:00.001-08:00

I am very bored. I finally do have time to do everything in my day. How do people not work? I guess if I had money then not working would be fine, BUT having no money makes it more challenging. I do look for work every day, but I a an early riser and usuallyy am done by mid morning. I don't allow myself to watch tv during the day. This results in my doing projects around the house. I washed my stairs (twice) the other day.

Yup I am bored. My friend Kristen called yesterday. She inspires me to keep busy. I will have to follow suit.

Have a good day all.

Cardio

2009-02-17T05:07:00.000-08:00

There is really nothing that makes cardio fun. It is like going to the dentist a necessary evil that gets your heart rate going and hopefully can jumpstart your weight loss. For me that is not really happening, I am now up 2 of the 4 pounds I lost. WTF??

This is not the right direction I want to be in. So now I am seeing if increasing my speed on the treadmill can help. I notice I am now burung almost 100 more calories than I was before. I hope this helps. If not I may snap and kill one of those heavy breathing joggers at my gym.

Good Stuff

2009-02-13T01:53:00.000-08:00

There are 2 medications that have proven to be wonderful for me this year. The first was Chantix, which finally helped me quit smoking. The other is Advair. I was very hesitant to even try thismedication. In their commercial, they say could cause Asthma related death. That didn't sound all that appealing to me.

When I went to seee my lung specilaist he gave me several medications to try on 10 day intervals. I tried everything else before the Advair. I gotta tell you...this stuff works. I am breathingv so much better and as a result, I hardly ever use my rescue inhaler anymore. Like any medication, it is important to discuss your options with your physician, but for me, this stuff rocks!!

A Minor inconvenience

2009-02-12T04:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was doing errands in the middle of the day. I pulled up at a convenience store on the corner of my street. As I pulled into the parking spot I noticed a boy staring at me. I found this odd, because it was the middle of the day and he should have been in school. As I got out of my car, the boy made a beeline for me. He came up to me and handed me a $10 bill. He asked me if I could buy him a pack of Marlboro Reds and told me I could keep the change.

I told him he was asking me to commit a crime. He looked at me like all teenagers look at adults with a mix of superiority and sadness and said, hey man you can turn down the drama level. I am not asking you to rob a bank just grab me a pack of smokes. (Teenagers know everything...lol)I said look kid, I smoked for 30 years and all I got is yellowing teeth and one finctioning lung. Then I said, shouldn't you be in school. He replied: Fuck You Grandpa.

I laughed out loud and walked in the store. When I came out the kid was gone. I hope nobody was stupid enough to but him cigarettes.

Fuck you grandpa...lol. I am still laughing here

Home with the kids

2009-02-11T05:44:00.000-08:00

This is Pete. He is my bulimic child. He vomits several times a day and usually tries to make sure he vomits on furniture, rugs, or bedspreads. He is my own double pawed Linda Blair. When I occasionally used to work from home, Pete would annoy me to the point that he would eventually get locked out of my home office so I could type a sentence without a cat butt in my face.

Now I am home every day, and my job is looking for a job. For several hours a day I send out e-mails and fill out job applications, all with a red headed cat jumping up and down from my desk. How did I end up here? My ties ans dress shirts have been replaced by sweats and t-shirts. A power lunch now consists of me eating a clementine when I grt off the treadmill, and a conference call is really just Danny & Jen making fun of each other while I listen.

On the good news front my friend Kristen lined up a consulting job for me on Friday. The whole thing will probably be a couple of hours, BUT I am very much looking forward to having a place to go.

Have a good day!!

Here we go...

2009-02-10T04:16:00.000-08:00

Apparently unemployment leads to weight loss. Well at least for me. I am down 4 pounds. Maybe it is the nauseau, maybe the excercise, maybe the eating right, or quite possible a combibation of all three.

Since I have been given the gift of time (See I can even find a silver lining in all of this), I am thinking about possibly going to the gym twice a day or just increasing my work outs.

Now that I am seeing some progress, I am going to be more stringent about what I eat. The bag of doritos I purchased to console myself about not working, will need to be eaten in very small increments.

Have a fully employed, smoke free, low caloric day.

What now??

2009-02-09T04:27:00.001-08:00

I am not sure what to do with myself. I am on day 4 of unemployment and am already bored. I am someone who thrives on a schedule, and I did like my job. I am not sure what to do with myself. I have put together a "to do" list, but I could finish most of these projects within a week. I keep waking up at 5 am, so sleeping late is not an option.

Sure I can look for a job. But I can send out resumes all morning and I still have the whole day staring me in the face. With no where to go, what am I going to do with myself??

Relieved and Sad

2009-02-06T06:46:00.001-08:00

Well today I begin my job search. Actually I have been online since 5 am and I am almost done for the day. I am sad I have lost my job. Up until three months ago, I loved my job and the people I worked with. But lately, I had been looking over my shoulder too much waiting for the ax to fall. I was told I was selected partly because of my allegiance with the last administration. Hmmm, because I was loyal and viewed a good worker, I should be let go. Makes perfect sense...lol.

In actuality, I am trying to keep a positive attitude, BUT there are very little in the way of jobs and I know I am competeing with hundreds for them.

Have a good day.

Ciao for Now

2009-02-05T04:57:00.001-08:00

Well I have just been hit by the proverbial ax at work. I will now be joining the millions of other Americans in the unemployment line. My blog, will be gone for a while. My home pc has died (isn't it funny how life likes to throw massive expenses at you when you can't afford it).

The good news. I can barely eat I am so nuaseus, maybe this will be the portal to getting thin again. Yesterday when I got word that I was going to lose my job, I immediately thought about having a cigarette. Then I remembered I can no longer afford them.

Have a great day!!

No Lunch.....Again

2009-02-04T04:20:00.000-08:00

Well my memory is really bad this week. I have forgotten my lunch every day. I guess old habits are hard to break. So again, I will be forced to snack on microwave popcorn. I have those Orville Redenbacher mini bags and they are only 100 calories each. The problem is, I am still a little hungy after. I think my body was getting used to having a lunch every day, even if that lunch was tasteless and bland....lol.

I am also having trouble with Fitday.com. You are supposed to enter what you eat and it gives you the claoric count, but it is not always easy to find an equivalent. Go there and type in chicken cutlet or peanut M&M's. It makes it hard. Last night I took stewed tomatoes, heated them up, drained the juice and added some pasta so it was like a soup. I have no idea how to equate for that on this dreaded site.

Have a smoke free day and watch those empty calories.

Sweatin as an oldie

2009-02-03T04:19:00.001-08:00

Ten years ago, I was able to go to the gym and do the stairmaster for an hour and barely break a sweat. This is when I was a heavy smoker mind you. Now I do the treadmill and 10 minutes into my workout my t-shirt is saturated in perspiration. My whole life I was never really a heavy sweater so I often think, am I having a heart attack? Although I say this with some jesting, I do sometimes think it is a possibility. Yesterday a girl in my office told me her neighbor dropped dead of a heart attack at 41 while watching the super bowl. Hmmm.....a heart attack while sitting motionless watching tv. Who does that remind me of?????

Well day 3,968 of my "healthy living", oh wait it is only day 8, and my weight remains the same. I am now convincing myself that I am adding so much muscle mass, that I can't lose weight and be this buff. Anyone else buying this story???

PS: Jen I did the red per your request

Dancing..Dancing..Dancing, I'm a dancing machine

2009-02-02T04:47:00.001-08:00

Friday night, my posse and I went to a benefit for aids action committee. The theme was a 1970's party. We had a blast. I danced the night away, and did quite a bit of lipsynching as well. Fun Fun Fun. I was literally sweating the extra pounds off of myself and loving it. Kirby, Danny, Keith, Jen, Thiago, Chris, Charles, Greg, Marcello, and I all had a blast. It was literally like being transformed backa few decades. Some people went all out with their costumes which added to the nights fun. Additionally, we raised some money for a good cause so it was really a win- win.

Saturday I had to skip the gym to help my Mom. Yesterday after a tough cardio workout, I went to the scale and found I was down a pound. (Insert chorus song: Hallejuh). Yay one small tiny measly pound. At this rate the weight is judt dropping off me. I plan to try and find a 70's oarty every night.

Lazy

2009-01-30T04:07:00.000-08:00

I did not go to the gym last night. I just didn't feel like it. Now that is no way to drop these dreaded pounds. I know that. It is just so damn cold outside that I didn't feel motivated to jump in my sweats and get in my car and drive to the gym.

When I got home last night my driveway and walkway were encased in ice. This is a by product of all the rain, as I did shovel the night before. So I went to Stop & Shop and dropped $23 on ice melt again. I think I have spent over $100 on ice melt this month alone.

I think I am done with Winter and we have another 6 weeks left.

Overwhelmed and Struggling

2009-01-29T04:23:00.000-08:00

I am really trying to be good on this diet, correction, healthier way of living. Yesterday, I turned down an offer by the gang here for subs and pizza, and stuck with my dry salad, 2 clementines, and a glass of water. Your mouths are probably watering just hearing about it.

Truthfully, that isn't so bad. I don't typically eat lunch, for me it has been more of a case of making myself eat. The problem is 5pm. I have a habit of grazing hwen I get home and it wasn't until last night that I realized just how bad it is. I do it without even being concious of it. Yesterday I took about 7 potato chips, 2 fig newtons, a handful of dry roasted peanuts, 2 habdfuls of M&M's and a coke to wash it all down. I didn't even realize it until I ate the last M&M. Still all in all I was only at 21oo caloris for the day, which is pretty good.

I have to be more disciplined, or at leat graze on something healthier. I fear my coke addiction and peanut M&M addiction may be harder to quit than smoking.

Being Fat Sucks

2009-01-28T04:27:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I walked/ran on the treadmill. I was literally dripping with sweat. I had to keep brushing waves of water off of my forehead. But with every step I thought, here we go with the weight loss. Even if I didn't lose any real weight, I assumed I would at least be down some water weight. Again I ran to the scale with glee, knowing the number would be inching down on the scale. Alas, it has not moved at all. Seriously not at all. I don't even think I have lost an ounce. I also feel heavy and sluggish. Perhaps it doesn't help that I live with a biafrin. Still yesterday, I felt like my stomach was peeking out from under my t-shirt while I was lifting weights. Now gay man thin and regular people thin are very different, and I am acutely aware of this. Perhaps to most people I would not be deemed fat, but the gays are a cruel people and I know that they are only to quick to point at my stomach and wonder when I am due. Hell, I have been asking Jen the same question about Danny for 3 years now.

Frustration

2009-01-27T04:41:00.001-08:00

OK so last week i had salad every day for lunch. For some this may be the norm, for me it is way out of character. I also cut back on sugary sodas and hardly had any chips (which is my second greatest weakness), next to peanut M&M's. So last night at the gym after a grueling cardio workout, I couldn't wait to see how much weight I have dropped this far. The answer was zero. Nada, nothing. WTF??

I had always assumed that fat people who said they were dieting, but didn't lose weight were cheating. Then as I got more knowledgeable, I was aware that losing weight was a challenge for some people, but for me it was relatively easy. Why won't these damn pounds come off. Now I need to be even more vigilant, and I am feeling a little defeated. Just how much has not smoking affected my metabolism??

PAHTY BOY

2009-01-26T04:13:00.000-08:00

This weekend was my birthday celebration. The gang drove down to providence and I had a great time. First up we sat around having drinks and some Doritos. Then they gave me my first present. The beautiful glasses you see in my picture. Then I was given an adult film titled: Bare Assed and Pregnant. Enough said, the DVD Jacket was disturbing enough. Then we braved the frigid temperatures and walked (that's right walked) to the restaurant Sienna's. It was delicious. I started off with a spicy vegetable soup and then had a roast pork tenderloin with almond, pear, and honey maple glaze. It was sinfully good but and I was able to wash it down with large amounts of sweet potato fries and beer. Then back to the house for more gifts and and ice cream cake. Dancing was suppossed to be on the menu, but most of the older people like Danny and Jen just can't keep up with me. Also it was too cold to walk the frail elderly bodies outside.

I had a good time, but yes, I can only imagine how many calories I consumed. Yesterday, I was back on salad, chips, and coke. I think I need a better balance.

By the way, I had no problem blowing out my candles, now that I don't smoke.

Mislaid Plans

2009-01-23T04:28:00.000-08:00

Several months ago, I wrote about how I was taking the money I would have spent on cigarettes and putting it away for something special. Well after steadily contributing to my envelope for 3 weeks, I forgot all about it. Then I came across the envelope, vowed to start putting money away again , and ended up using the money that was in there to pay for some Christmas Gifts. Last night I found tha tattered and crumpled envelope with 13 cents in. Had I been contributing steadily, I would have $976 to date. That would have been sweet.

I guess once you give up your addiction, the thought of parting with $200 per month just doesn't make good sense, even if you are saving it for something fun.

I forgot my lunch today too. I was doing so well all week, I am a little disappointed. This weekend should be the last of my birthday celebrations then it's water and celery baby until I look like Mario Lopez!!

Have a smoke free and light calorie weekend!

The Big 0

2009-01-22T04:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my friend Alison commented on my blog and asked ho much weight I have lost to date. Why Alison the number is to the left. Now I am the first to admit, my diet is somewhat lame. I do eat lots of fruits and veggies, BUT I will still have chicken fingers or a coke every now and again. I weighed myself at the gym on Tuesday night and was horrified to learn my weight has not fluctuated at all. I am getting a little psycho. Is it a plateau if you have not lost anything at all????

So since this is my big b-day week and I have been taken out to dinner by several good friends and still have some on deck, I am not getting to crazy. I will still probably order my chicken cutlets, but I must turn up the heat on my weight loss regime. Looking like Richard Simmons just isn't enough.

The Battle

2009-01-21T04:23:00.000-08:00

I am currently in a fight. A fight to get back my once flat stomach. This is the one down side I have found with quitting is that I have put on weight. Not only have I put on weight, BUT i have done so relatively easy. This is not the result of late night food binges, chocolate shakes, or a steady diet of fried foods, this is the result of my metabolism slowing down. So now I am on a diet, because swim suit season is a mere 4.5 months away. I guess I can no longer eat anything I want, I am toying with the idea of trying to break my peanut M&M addiction. I must admit, that will be hard it is one of my great pleasures.

However, just like the lions in this picture, I need to kickstart my weight loss so I can finally feel like quitting smoking was good on every level.

From one addiction to another...

2009-01-20T04:30:00.000-08:00

I like fruit, but I hardly ever think of buying it. Since I have embarked on a healtheir version of me, I have been eating it religiously and to be quite honest, I am loving it. Sweet juicy pineapple, ripe banana's, and my new favorite clementines. Since I like fruit so much, I am now trying to balance that with some more vegetables. Today for lunch I have a salad, with cucumbers, celery, and some red peppers.

I have also started drinking Coke Zero. Just for the record, it does not taste like Coke. It tastes like Coke that they forgot to put sugar in. But that is ok, I need to drop these extra pounds befopre the Spring. I have 2 months, I better get going. Let's hope IO can keep up with my new commitment. Now for dinner, I have a sensible meal. Chicken and rice or potatos. I am trying to cut down on pasta too as I eat a lot of that.

Have a low cal no smokling day y'all

Change

2009-01-16T04:22:00.000-08:00

The past few months I have seen nothing but change at work. No..not the kid of change in the picture, but a steady change in leadership where I work. I hardly recognize anyone anymore. In the past four months I went from loving my job, my boss, and my team, to wondering will I have a job and if so, what will that role look like. Like many people in this economy, I feel lucky just to have a job. With so much uncertainty at work, I have been feeling very anxious and very stressed. Normally, I would have buckled and turned to cigarettes to calm my nerves. It isn't even an option for me. To alll of you, that may seem very logical. For me, it seems so odd. Yet, I have no desire to return to that habit. I feel as if I have finally left that in my past, and my future does not entail smoking on any level. I guess one could argue that I have really......CHANGED.

Deep Freeze

2009-01-15T04:21:00.000-08:00

On January 3rd, 2000 the thermometer dropped below zero. The arctic winds were ripping through New England. I found myself standing on a loading dock at my job and smoking in the bitter bitter cold. It was at that very moment that the realization hit me just how addicted I was to nicotine. I am a hater of the cold. The only reason I live in Massachusetts is for my family and friends, but I do see myself moving South when I am older. So how addicted would I have to be to stand outside in the freezing cold and smoke?

Sometimes in the Summer when I have my office window open and I hear the smokers gather outside my window I get a twinge of jealousy. They are out in the beautiful weather while I am inside working. But the opposite would be true on a day like this. I feel nothing but pity for the fools huddled outside in the frozen tundra. Now that I am a non-smoker, I feel nothing but bad for them.

Challenges in Exercise

2009-01-14T04:36:00.000-08:00

So it could not be any colder today. Oh wait, I mispoke, by chipper weather gal told me that our temperature high of 31 degrees was at 5 am and the temperature will steadily drop throughout the day. Oh the joys of living in New England.

Not only is living in the cold a pain, but by the time you get home and warm up, it makes it even harder to get motivated to throw on your sweats and go back to the gym.

Additionally, my friend Danny is coming over tonight. That is him pictured in the blog. Just kidding, obviously this weebles body is better than Danny's. My friend Danny's idea of working out is wrestling with a bag of Funyons....sadly he often loses that fight.

So a big fat friend and cold, I can almost guarantee I won't be working out today.

TO KC in Florida...you are one lucky biyatch

Broke my new diet but totally worth it

2009-01-13T04:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I did very well. I brought a lunch, had clementines for snacks, heck I even drank water with my lunch. My sister Carol invited me over to her house for a roast chicken dinner. For those of you who do not know, this is my favorite dinner. I love it! She had all the trimmings, stuffing, mashed potatos, gravy, cornbread. It was delish! Now I know this dinner is NOT part of a healthy eating regiment, but I don't care. I have this meal rarely as I am too lazy to cook it and even if I did, my gravy wouldn't be as good as hers. So I had a big plateful of food and thoroughly enjoyed it!

Later that night I had a clementine as a snack. I am not being overly crazy about my so called diet, really I am just trying to eat a little healthier and hoping this combined with my daily work outs will do the trick. If I am not seeing results after 30 days I will re-evaluate my plan.

As a side not I should tell you I love being a non-smoker, but there is a part of me that thought maybe I should start again to lose weight and then quit again. Sick!!

Have a light calorie and smoke free day.

Clementines

2009-01-12T04:34:00.000-08:00

I read this weekend that the average American does not get enough fruit in their diet. I am definitely one of those Americans. I started to think about what the reasoning is behind this and I honestly could not come up with one. I like fuit, I am just not sure why I am not eating more of it. So I bought myself a box of clementines. Even whjen I was making the purchase I thought, will I really eat these. As soon as we unloaded the groveries Marcello tore into one of the clementines. Later when I was looking for a snack i thought about them, and had not one, but two. They were delicious. I have been eating them all weekend.

Hold on to your hats, but I also remembered to bring both a lunch and a snack today. Phae one pf healthy living is going well.

Have a great day!

ENVY

2009-01-09T04:35:00.001-08:00

I long to have a stomach like the one in this photo. Alas, to look like this you either need to be extremely disciplined or a freak like Marcello who can't gain weight and are so naturally thin it is easier to sculpt your body.

My whole life I have been very lucky in that weight was very easy for me to shed. Well that is until I hit the BIG 40! Since turning 40, I can no longer drop the pounds as easily as before. I have never really had to work hard to lose weight and dieting is something I have never had to do. Even my few lame attempts at dieting, really amounted to nothing more than cutting out a few twizzlers from my daily menu. But now things are different. I have noticed that my weight has increased on avergae 4 pounds a year for the past 3 years. If this continues, I am in trouble. So this weekend I am going to see if I can possibly find healthier foods that I will in fact eat. yes I know Broccoli and Fish are great to eatm, the problem is I have never eaten either in my lifetime. Wish me luck, this won't be easy.

Have a great weekend

Change

2009-01-08T04:37:00.000-08:00

The landscape of my job keeps changing. First my department was decentralized, then I lost a lot of good friends in a lay off (including my boss), yesterday, my second boss in 4 weeks was laid off. This has me very nervous. There are not many jobs out in the marketplace today and like many Americans I only have a few months of savings before I could find myself in dire financial straights.

I am having trouble sleeping through the night. Last night I medicated myself and actually had 7 wonderful hours of uninterupted sleep. I really needed that. On my journey to getting healthier, I want to make sure I am doing everything within my power to be well rested so I can face my days with zest.

I forgot my lunch again. What is wrong with me? I may go get some soup today. Slowly but surely I will get a routine down that I can follow.

I forgot to mention yesterday was teh 1 year anniversary of my blog. Happy Anniversary to me..lol

Have a great day!

Memory Loss

2009-01-07T04:28:00.000-08:00

Ok for anyone who has known me for any significant amount of time, I think it is safe to say, I have a bad memory. This is very frustrating for someone as anal as myself. This is why I keep a notebook on the counter of my kitchen, so I can leave "reminder" notes to myself. I am only on day 3 of my healthier living journey and I once again forgot my lunch. So Monday I brought the lunch but forgot it was here. Tuesday I ate lunch, and now on Wednesday I have forgot it again. .

I once read where you need to perform the same task 30 times in a row in order for it to become second nature. I think it was 30 days, again can't really rely on my memory. This is particularly sad as I left myself a note that said lunch is in the fridge. I have to remember to get better with my memory, but I keep forgetting. I think you can see both the irony and agony that is my life.

I hope you all have a safe, non-smoking, and healthy Wednesday!

Ready for the Challenge....

2009-01-06T04:10:00.000-08:00

Today is January 6, 2009. I started this blog on January 7, 2008. During that time I have written ad nauseum regarding my battle with nicotine. Now with the help of Chantix and many of my friends and family, I have finally kicked the habit. Additionally, I think I may have run out of fodder for my blog. I have reached the end of the line when it comes to topics in reference to not smoking. If you missed it let me get you up to speed. It was hard, I whined, I failed, I whined, I repeatedly quit, I repeatedly failed, and finally I found something that worked for me and quit. I timidly edged my way to being a non smoker, and I have arrived at my final destination.

So what's next? Since giving up my addiction to nicotime was the hardest thing I have ever done, I now feel that nothing is out of reach. If I could do that, I can do anything. Now with 2 good friends who have taken the lead, I am going to try and embark on a healthier lifestyle. Will I be giving up my peanut M&M addiction. No I will not. Will I never have another coke? Of course I will. But, what I want to attempt is a good balance between the good (vegetables and fruits) the bad (fritos and chips) and the ugly (onion rings and chocolate shakes). Since I already gop to the gym pretty consistently, I am going to jump start my workouts. I will be incorporating more cardio and more free weights. By January 2010, I hope to be a leaner, non smoking me.

Have a healthy non smoking Tuesday!

Reflecting on 2008

2009-01-05T08:53:00.001-08:00

OK for most of us 2008, was not a great year. Bad economy, war still rages on, record losses on wall street, mortgage crisis, astronomical unemployment, the list goes on and on. What I can say is, the one real positive thing for me was quitting smoking. I started my blog on January 7th last year so we have almost come full circle. I am so proud that I just reached another milestone...5 months smoke free. To all of my supporters out there, thank you for bearing with me on this journey of ups and downs. Chantix is a miracle pill and I will shout it from the rooftops!!

This was the first time in over 30 years when my eyes flew open onm January 1 that my first thought wasn't about quitting smoking. AMAZING!! I have arrived at my destination and thrilled to be there.

Being Nice

2008-12-24T07:17:00.000-08:00

So my good friend Jennifer recently told me I was overly mean to her on my blog. I asked her to define the word overly. It didn't occur to me she might be right until other people asked me why I am so mean to her. Now what many of you don't realize is that Jen can be extremely cruel to me when she wants, however, that is not the tone of this blog. As the holiday approaches I want to be nice and say some nice things about my friend Jen.

She is good at math
People never have to ask her to remove her hat at the movie theater
Elderly people always admire her teeth
She is a good mingler at parties.
She has ONLY healthy untasting snacks at her home. She has been voted worst snacks 04, 05, 06, 07 & 08. 09 looks like it might be her year as well
She is nice to animals
She can quote episodes of Seinfeld and Family Guy
She makes good chicken cutlets and lasagna

Happy Holidays Jen. Thansk for supporting me during my year of quitting smoking

Another Milestone

2008-12-23T06:26:00.000-08:00

This weekend Marcello and I were housebound. With the exception of a wake and a funeral we never left the house. I was getting a little stir crazy. At one point I was walking around the house and started thinking about a cigarette. It was a passing thought but still a weird thought.

It occured to me that this will be my first non-smoking Christmas since 1978. How scary is that? The only things still around from 1978 are Donna Summer and jen's over processed hair.

Have a great smoke free day

Vacation

2008-12-19T04:31:00.000-08:00

Well I am finally taking some much needed vacation time. I will be off for the next 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I am not going anywhere, but, I am still hopeful that I can debrief and just relax. I have to finish some Christmas shopping, and I am thinking about painting the guest bedroom. What I will not be doing is smoking. Instead, I will being increasing my cardio workouts and enjoying some fattening food before I start my diet.

I may or may not blog, depending on my mood. I will take one day at a time. It's seems so weird to me, I have almots been writing this blog for one year, I believe January 7th was my first entry.

I think I have covered my not smoking journey completely. I shared with you my fears, you saw the side effects from various not smoking tools. You all listened to me bitch about not sleeping and my on/off/on battle with the proverbial wagon. You saw my first failure with Chantix, then my second attempt which led to success. You watched as the Chantix did it's job and eventually brought me to a place where I can be bother physically and mentally freed from addiction. i think I have covered every aspect of that journey.

If I do continue my blog when I return, on my now focus on an overarching theme of health, as I have hopefully kicked teh smoking habit and will not be returning there again.

Have a wondeful holiday season and please stay smoke free

OUCH!!!

2008-12-18T04:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at work, I ran into a woman who works here. I do not know her name, but we occasionally pass each other. She is another smoker. She came up to me several months ago and mentioned that she hasn't seen me outside smoking. I went on to tell her about my journey with Chantix, my attempts at quitting, and my determination to succeed. A mouthful of gabbing for a woman whose name I don't even know.

So when I saw her yesterday, I stopped to exchange pleasantries with her. She then asked me how my not smoking was going. I went on and on about how great Chantix worked, how easily I seemed to stop smoking, and how I don't have a desire to start again. I told her that I never thought I would become smoke free and so I am amazed that I have arrived at my destination.

She then said, "What about weight gain?". I said, "Yes, I had gained a few pounds.". She then looked at my stomach and said, "Only a few?".

OUCH!!!!!!

Perhaps I have gained more than a few pounds. I will tell you this. Come January 1, my resoluton will be to lose this weight and the next time I see this heavy smoking lady, I will have a veiled insult ready for her as well.

Have a smoke free day. I am off to waddle around my office.

Labored Breathing

2008-12-17T04:31:00.001-08:00

My doctor told me he wants me to start doing more cardio. Yippee..I feel like I am living the dream. A solo march to nowhere and I don't even own an Ipod.

I stand on the tread mill and squint my eyes to try and read the closed caption on the tv sets. Anything to distract me from that irritating time count down mechanism on the treadmill. For some reason, whenever I get on the treadmill, I try and pick a machine that is isolated from everyone else. However, as soon as I start my march, I am surrounded by other gym members. There is always the marathon runner, on a ten incline, who is huffing and puffing her way through an imaginary marathon. I hate her!!

Then on the other side, is the obligatory housewife who wants to start a conversation with me. How bout those Patriots huh? I want to reply, Hey F.U. I can barely breathe. Instead, I smile and nod and continue squinting at the tv. This never deters my neighbor, now she feels she needs to ask me about my knowledge of treadmill programming. I answer, "yeah I just hit quick start, I don't know". The truth is, some nights are easier than others. Last night I thought I was going to die. I couldn't catch my breath and left my inhaler in the car, and it took me about 10 minutes to actually catch my breath. To be honest, this sucks, but I know it is good for me. The stronger my heart the better for me. So I will continue to do my march of the Penguin, I will continue to ignore the friendly gestures of overweight housewives next to me, I will continue to hate Marathon Mary and her huffing and puffing, and I will remember to bring my inhaler with me at all times.

The gym sucks, but if I don'
t do it, I could end up looking as bad as Jen, and NOBODY wnats that!

Have a smoke free day

Sad news

2008-12-16T04:15:00.001-08:00

I am sorry to say my friend Danny's Mom, Pauline Clancy, passed away last night. She is survived by 12 children and 30 grandchildren.

Mrs. Clancy was a very warm and welcoming soul. She always told me I could give up smoking and when I last saw her at Danny's Dad's wake, she told me she was proud of me for continuing to try to quit. I quit two days the day after that and have been smoke free ever since.

The Clancy family is very tight knit. A tribute to the parents that raised them. My sympathy is with Danny and his extended family at this time.

Bad News

2008-12-15T04:30:00.000-08:00

Well I went to go see my specialist on Friday afternoon. As I suspected, the news was not particularly good. He started off the conversation by saying, I normally don't have people come in to get their results unless it's bad news. (Oh yippee).

So he goes on to tell me that one of my lungs is only functioning 2/3 and the other one is only functioning 1/3 which means that out of my 2 lungs I really only have one active working lung. Then he tells me my cat scan shows that there is a lot of damage to te upper lobes of my lungs. So much so, that it is weighing down on the healthy portion of my lung on the bottom. Now the good news (as he put it), was that my pulmonary function test showed I had a great reaction to the medicine they gave me and it helped my lung function incredibly. He wants me to try two medicines for 10 days each to see how responsive I am to them.

One medicine is Spiriva and I have been taking that all weekend. So far it seems pretty good. The other is Advair. I am not too high on using this drug. It can kill you. When I mentioned that to my doctor he said it would be a minimal chance, especially if taken with steroids. Never having been a particularly lucky chap, I am not so sure I want to pursue this course of treatment.

But the news did not end there. He then went on to say that he could give me the names of some surgeons who specialize in removing part of the lungs. When I asked if this was ABSOLUTELY necessary, he replied, not yet, but yes eventually. Then I asked him (being an expert and all), is that his recommendation. He said the specialists would probably be hesitant to do it because of my young age. (That really wsn't an answer). I am opting to not take that course at this time.

So yeah! Severe lung damage, a lifetime of medication, the possible removing on parts of my lungs, and a scary mix of drug cocktails...Merry Christmas to me. I was surprised he didn't tell me I was adopted as well.

Have a smoke free day

Test Results

2008-12-12T04:16:00.000-08:00

Today I finally get the test results from my pulmonary function test and my CT. To be honest, I am a little nervous. For my blood test they just mailed me a letter that said everything was normal, I am a little concerned they want to see me in person.

Whatever the outcome, I would just like to know how to deal with the health issues at hand and move on from there. I saw on the news this week that the FDA has recalled several Asthma medicines that are causing Asthma related deaths. I am glad I declined to take those drugs based on that warning. I definitely do not need to do anything that would speed up my own death. I already did that with smoking.

I hope you all have a smoke free weekend!

Exercise

2008-12-10T04:42:00.000-08:00

They say when you quit smoking you should exercise. Well I have been exercising all along. I read on the American Cancer Society's website that when you quit smoking you gain 30% of your lung capacity. I have not noticed any improvement and I am into 4 months of no smoking. As a matter of fact, I am often very winded after working out. Last night was no exception. I am huffing and puffing on my way to the car. When I went for my pulmonary function test several weeks ago, i noticed they had teh same thing posted in their office that is on the website. I asked her when I will start to notice this alleged 30% increase in lung capacity. Her reply: that's not really accurate. You don't really get any increase.

WTF?????

OK well thanks for lying to me everybody. How is that an incentive? I have been thinking I was a weird anomoly for not feeling any increase, now I find out it was just a bunch of B.S. I was afraid to ask if anything else on the list is accurate.

Have a smoke free day, although I am not really sure what te benefits of that will be.

Jealousy

2008-12-09T04:23:00.000-08:00

Last night I had dinner with some business associates. As always, I launched into a story about my miraculous feat of quitting smoking and how I finally feel liberated. Blah Blah Blah...

One of my dinner companions told me he used to smoke for 15 years, and quitting was the hardest thing he ever did. He went on to say he was not a heavy smoker, he normally smoked a pack to a pack in a half every 7 days. Compared with my pack a day habit, he seemed like a lightweight.

He then went on to say, that he occasionally will have a cigarette when he goes out for drinks of golfing with his friends. While he was telling me the story, I actually felt a pang of jealousy. I can't even imagine being able to smoke just one cigarette. There is a small part of me that envied his ability to smoke on occasions, that is something I know I will never be able to do.

Lucky for me, my happiness for not smoking far outweighs the small pangs of jealousy I feel every once in a while.

Have a great and smoke free day!!

Smelly!!

2008-12-08T04:32:00.001-08:00

This weekend our friends Barbara and Dave came to visit us. Barbara quit smoking cold turkey one month before I did and she is still smoke free. I was amazed at her willpower because she was just a heavy smoker as I was. However, her husband Dave has not followed suit. He still smokes. When he came to our house Saturday night, I was going to have him smoke outside. Even when Barbara smoked she made us go outside at her house, BUT I felt bad for him because it was so cold. I told him he could smoke in the basement. He had a total of 8 cigarettes while he was there. I know this because I emptied the ashtray.

I could not believe how bad the house smelled after he left. What was really amazing to me, was that this morning when I went to leave for work, I could still smell it down there. How could I not have smelled this for 30 years and now I am so cognizant of it. What is it going to be like when my mother moves in. I initailly thought it wouldn't bother me, but now I am not so sure. I hate to be a hypocrit, expecially because I smoked for so many years and thought people were being dramatic about the smell.

Look at how I am morphing into one of those complaining non-smokers. I never would have thought that I would see this side of myself...lol.

Have a smoke free day!

LIMD1

2008-12-05T04:24:00.000-08:00

I read that a study by researchers at the University of Nottingham has identified a gene that protects the body from lung cancer. Their research has shown that the gene LIMD1, is paving the way for possible new treatments and screening tecniques. According to this article, the carcinogens in cigarette smoke kill this gene in smokers. I think it is safe to say, I am no longer in possession of that gene. However, it is hopeful that now that they have identified the gene, perhaps people who suffer from lung cancer will be able to be treated.

I am sure you are thinking, wow that TJ sure is knowledgeable....lol. The truth is I have always kept my eye on develops in cancer related topics associated with smoking, asI fear this will possibly be what ends up killing me. So it was naturally with great interest that I read this article. It went on to say that by removing the gene from mice in lab tests, they developed lung cancer themselves. Poor guys.

Let's hope these researchers move fast. I think I may need them in my future.

Have a smoke free weekend!

Long Arm of the Law

2008-12-04T04:55:00.001-08:00

To my fan (s), who missed my blog yesterday, please accept my aplogies. I was offsite at a morning meeting and in the afternoon, I had to drive down to the Cape to fight a speeding ticket I received on Labor Day Weekend.

I had a very long drive down to and from the Cape yesterday. On my drive I was thinking how much I would have smoked on a hjourney like this before I quit. With many hours of doing nothing but driving and being all alone, I would have probab;y smoked more than I normally would on a day. I also would have positively wreaked of cigarette smoke. When I went into the courthouse, I was surrounded by other traffic violaters, and many of them smelled of tobacco. I subconciously wondered if they were treated more harsh because of their addictions.

I am happy to report that my ticket was cut in half and I didn't want a cigarette the entire time I was there.

Have a great day!!

FOUR MONTHS!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-02T04:21:00.001-08:00

Well today marks four months smoke free. I feel like I have turned the proverbial corner and I will actually remain a non-smoker. This is now the longest I have ever gone while quitting smoking. It is a milestone I was only too happy to reach.

When I quit smoking in the past, I has always romanticized smoking and missed the ceremony of it all. In actuality, I think I just missed the addiction that had a grip on me for 30 years. I am not sure why this time is so different. I feel liberated by not smoking. It is so nice not to constantly worry about having cigarettes or needing to buy them. As of today I have saved myself $830.25. It has become my own personal Christmas club.

Last night Marcello and I ran to the Stop & Shop after the gym. I decided to buy a Mega Millions ticket while we were there. We were standing in line behind a woman who was buying some virginia slims. Marcello looked at me and said will this end up on your blog tomorrow...lol. I guess I wanted to write about it so he could see it.

Have a great smoke free day and Happy Anniversary to me!!!

On The Wagon

2008-12-01T06:40:00.000-08:00

Whenever I have stopped smoking I have always thought of myself as on the wagon. This image is usually what I picture in my mind. Subsequently, when I have cheated in the past, I often envision myself falling under one of those large wagon wheels, as I literally would see myself falling off the wagon.

Well now it seems I am firmly rooted in my seat on the aforementioned wagon. I am very confident, I will not be falling off this metaphor any time soon.

As my no smoking commitment continues, so does my commitment to remain healthy. A special thanks to all of you who supported me during this time.

No Smoking on the Holidays...

2008-11-28T04:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we went to Thanksgiving at my friend Jennifer's house. There was 1.5 smokers there. One was Ethan and to my knowledge he only had 2 cigarettes the entire time we were there. I thought that was kind of amazing, because had I been smoking I probably would have had 5 or 6 in that duration. The 1/2 smoker is Thiago, Jen's new boyfriend. Although he smokes, I asked him why he didn't smoke yesterday. He told me his cigarettes were in the car and he had not had one for almost 18 hours. I don't think he is a real smoker. Real smokers could not go that long without their tobacco fix. Good for him, he should heave an easy time quitting, which he told me he wants to do.

After gorging myself on jen's delicious dinner, I saw Ethan grab his coat and head for the balcony. After dinner cigarettes were the best and I did think about asking for one, but I didn't. Maybe I will always run through that type of scenario in my mind, before settling on staying the course. Tuesday will be 4 months without a cigarette. Yay me!!

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T05:05:00.001-08:00

It hardly seems possible I have almost completed 11 months of writing this blog. I can't believe I am at the place I set out to be. An actual non-smoker, who no longer obsesses about smoking. Truthfully I never thought I would be here.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Normally this might be a hard day for me to not smoke. Family situations are always filled with stress and my mother smokes like a chimney, it is almost like an invitation to fall off the wagon. This year I have opted not to spend the holiday with my family. I will be spending the day with friends, and I am hoping that there will be no triggers that would cause me to want to revert to smoking.

I do feel like I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I still have a job and that is no small feat in this economy, I am not smoking, I am addressing my health concerns, and my family and friends all seem to be doing well.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving

Smoke Breaks...

2008-11-25T05:40:00.000-08:00

I miss taking a smoke break. When I first stopped smoking I tried to keep taking them, but I didn't have any reason to take a break or anywhere to go. When I smoked, I would often say to myself....finish this metric report and you can have a cigarette. I used it as a reward. Now I don't have that. Now I just don't take a break.

The smokers where I work gather just under my office window to smoke. I can hear them out there laughing and having fun, while i am sitting here plugging away at work.

Now on a cold and rainy day like today, it doesn't seem like I am missing out being out in the cold. But on a beautiful sunny day, I am often a little envious. I don't think I have totally embraced being a non-smoker and all that goes along with that title. With that said, I know I am taking the right steps to a healthier me, BUT it doesn't mean that it is easy. I guess there will just be parts of being a smoker that I will always miss. What I don't miss is hacking and coughing all day. That is what I need to focus on...

The Strangers

2008-11-24T04:29:00.001-08:00

This weekend we watched the horror movie, "The Strangers" with Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler. Now I love a good horror movie. As this was based on a true story it makes it even scarier.

In the movie, Liv Tyler smokes. Naturally any smoker that was being stalked by three stranger's in masks trying to kill her, she smokes a lot. I too wanted to smoke along with her. I got up like 5 times during the movie subconciously looking for my cigarettes. I did not enjoy that feeling.

The Strangers is how I now feel about work. My team has been disbanded and I am afarid of the people who now lead my team that I don't know very well. Addidtionally, each day I come in and find out some additional task I will be gettig with my new role that makes it less and less desireable.

I would be lying if I told you I have not thought about smoking. I go for long times without giving it a thougt and then the desire comes on very strong.Let's hope I can stay on the straight and narrow.

Depressed

2008-11-21T07:24:00.001-08:00

This is how I feel. I keep thinking that I am at baseline for bad news and then I get blindsided by even more. Fun!!

I am hoping things have settled down and will turn around soon. I am also playing the lottery in the broad hope that for one millisecond of my life I will have very fortuitous good luck.

In the meantime, I am so looking forward to this weekend. I need to escape from the doom and gloom that has been my job over the past few weeks. I have put in for my vacation time at the end of December, and am looking forward to that like nobody knows.

In the meantime, I am not smoking and it hasn't even been a thought of mine. I think I see progress!!

Lay Offs

2008-11-20T04:14:00.000-08:00

I am very upset. As a matter of fact, I barely slept last night. I was tossing and turning all night. Yesterday they announced more lay offs where I work. It was not a surprise, we knew it was coming. Still, I am sick over it.

For the past 4 years, I have essentially been working with the same group of people. They have become like a family. Sometimes you snap at each other, but mostly you lean and rely on each other. I was really part of a highly functioning team. I was proud to be part of a department that was delivering a high level of customer service and consistently hitting or beating our goals. I had a great boss, who I also consider to be one of my closest friends, and a great team that reported to me. Now that no longer exists. Some of my friends will move to other departments, some will be laid off, and others will eventually leave for new jobs. I have the unenviable task of telling two of my direct reports that they will be losing their jobs. As awful as that is, it is not the worst part. For me the worst part is that my boss, put herself at the top of the list for being laid off. She felt she could probably save someone else's job by putting her name on that list. She also is not very concerned about finding another job. I think I am more worried about her situation than she is. I guess when you possess a high level of confidence in your own abilities, you remove the need for worry. Me, I am still worried. Worried about her and everyone I know in this situation.

Yesterday, I was at the hospital for breathing tests all afternoon. Still I thought about smoking on the way home. A stress reliever for sure. With all of this going on, and my not caving, I think i have reached a level of confidence as a non-smoker.

Test Day

2008-11-19T04:51:00.000-08:00

Today I am off to Winchester Hospital for a battery of pulmonary testing. Should be fun...lol. Then after testing, I get to have yet another chest x-ray. I am hoping that these tests will give my doctor a good idea of what is wrong with me. Again I have been feeling winded this week. I am not sure if it is the change in weather, the cold that is going around, or if this is just some new trait of mine. I will be anxious to hear the results. Additiojnally, my doctor thinks I was mis-diagnosed. I personally do not. So we shall see what the outcome shows. With the onslaught of bad news I have been hearing lately, I am preparing for the worst.

I just had an interview with a woman who smoked. She smelled awful. It is so funny to me how I am so averse to the smell. I am not unsure if it is because it is unpleasant or if it is because it is a reminder of what I can't have.

Have s moke free day!!

Smoking Jacket

2008-11-18T04:29:00.001-08:00

Can you believe they actually made a garment called a "smoking jacket"? Maybe they realized way back in the 30's that your clothes smell from smoke and so you need a special jackt for all that smelliness. You may wonder why i am referencing this beautiful piece of clothing. I assure you there is a tie in.

Yesterday, I was watching the news, and I heard we were getting a cold snap. So I reached in the closet and dug out a heavier fall coat. I wouldn't classify it as a winter coat, but it is pretty heavy. I have actually worn the coat for the past few days. On my way home from work, I reached in the inside pocket and found a strange object and felt myself break it. When I pulled it out it was a lone stale cigarette. It obviously fell out of my cigarette pack last year, and has been sitting in the closet for the past 9 - 11 months. Now in the past this kind if temptation would have been too hard to pass up. Even though I broke the cigarette, I still in fact did have half a cigarette. I can't say the thought didn't cross my mind. I could have easily smoked it and just moved on. But alas, I am an addict. I was afraid even one puff would set me back into highly addictive mode. I rolled down my window and tossed my tobacco taste treat out the window. I wish you could have seen me. Driving down 95 with a smile on my face like a big ass. You would have thought I just reconciled the deficit. What a goof.

Ladies and Gentleman....you are listening to a non-smoker.

Will it ever end?

2008-11-17T04:48:00.001-08:00

OK it has been 3.5 months since my last cigarette. When do the cravings stop? I am always so suprised when I am hit with a craving. This weekend I had them several times. The first was Saturday night. We went and had a great dinner at this restaurant Temple Bar in Cambridge. My appetizer and dinner were delicious. After dinner. my friend Danny offered to go get the car and come back to pick us up as it was raining. Perhaps it was because we were standing in front of the restaurant with smokers, or because I just finished a big meal, but I had a major craving.

Then Sunday, I was picking up some stuff at home, and I thought after I wash the floor, I will stop and have a cigarette break. This was common practice for me. Chores and rewards. Do something and then have a cigarette. It struck me really weird that I even had that thought.

I started to wonder, do the cravings ever stop? Why does this keep popping up in my mind? How strong is this drug that I still have to fight my addiction even when I am not using it?

Still fighting here!! Have a smoke free day everyone.

Vacation Time

2008-11-14T04:19:00.001-08:00

I need a vacation. The last time I was away was in March. I really need to just take some time to get away from work. However, there are 3 reasons why I am afraid to do so. The first is, I have no money and no where to go. So I am not really sure I should waste my time off. The second reason is work & the economy. Things are so crazy at work right now, and management keeps talking about a layoff. If it were to happen to me, they would pay me out on any unused vacation time and that would be money I would desperately need. The third and final reason is smoking. I have quit smoking in the past, and have gone as long as I have this time. Whenever I go on vacation, I have always started smoking again. Once in Vegas, Once in Key West and last time in Brazil. There is a weird part of me that feels justified in doing something wreckless like smoking when I am away.

Now I don't want to start smoking again. I am also sure that not being away, I would feel less like I was on vacation and the temptation to fail wouldn't be so great, but you never know. I am so proud of myself and my conviction to stay true to being a non-smoker, that I just don't want to put myself in any situations that might make me fail. I have been consistently removing myself from temptation whenever I feel it creeping up on me, this may be anothe rhurdle i need to face.

So tehre you have it. Burned out and need to rejuvenate, but afraid of what consequences might befall me if I do.

Have a great weekend!!